We are told there are 7 stages of grief…
Let me share my experience with grief and a few tips from what I’ve learned. The 7 stages of what? It’s different for everyone. Studies show there are at least seven stages of grieving. Well, I’m here to tell you from personal experience that the stages are not in any particular order and they can keep circulating over and over. Just in case you were wondering, You don’t go through them in order and only once. Let me tell you some things about grief that I’ve learned from my husband’s passing:
- We may not recognize it
- When a grieving person smiles, it does not mean they are no longer grieving
- Don’t assume that a person should be ok after a certain time
- Don’t assume what someone needs, what is best for them
- Don’t assume you need to tell them what to do to get passed it
- Don’t tell them it’s time to move on
- Don’t tell them to get over it
- And definitely don’t try to fix them up with someone or asking them when they will start dating or that they should consider getting remarried
They will let you know when or if they are ready. Everyone grieves differently. As for me, I have always been an encourager. When someone is hurting, it’s my nature to always try to encourage and help. When there is a death, it’s very difficult to encourage those who are grieving. There are standard or canned answers people always give when someone is grieving and it turns out that they are not comforting. I discovered after my husbands death that all of those responses from people annoyed me. I couldn’t help it. No one knew my pain, so their comments weren’t helpful to me. Sadly, they were only trying to help, but what they were saying and doing wasn’t helping. I didn’t know what I needed so I couldn’t tell them. I had to be the most difficult person to help during that time. I imagine many must have been frustrated with me. All I knew for sure is I needed to be alone with God. I needed to rest in His arms and let Him comfort me and heal me. It was a tough first year, but I think I did pretty good. I got through it. God healed me, transformed me, and taught me so many things about myself, about Him, and about what He wants from me. It has been good to just rest in His arms.
So about those stages of grief we are taught that we must go through…they are real and they will happen. There is no set time for them though and you will go through them over and over. Over time you will learn how to manage those feelings. I saw a graphic on social media that showed how grief doesn’t shrink over time, rather we grow around it and learn how to deal with it. It’s always a part of our lives. You don’t forget about the people or stop loving them. They will always have a special place in your heart. You will go through the anger, depression, denial, acceptance, bargaining, sadness, guilt, loneliness, frustration, confusion, and isolation. But don’t worry about the list, allow yourself to go through the process and heal. Then one day when you least expect it, you will find yourself in the bathroom dancing to praise and worship music and suddenly realize, you’re going to be ok.
From my experience, grief is messy and unpredictable. There is no linear progression from one stage to the next. Instead, it’s more like a roller coaster ride with ups and downs, twists and turns. Just when you think you’re starting to recover from the loss of a loved one, whether in death or divorce, something can happen to trigger a new wave of sadness. But it’s ok, God will comfort you through it if you allow Him to.
Here are some things I’ve learned about grief from my own experience: Grief doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. Just because someone is grieving doesn’t mean they will look sad all the time. Even though I was grieving my husband’s death, there were moments when I found myself smiling or laughing. It’s important to remember that just because someone appears happy on the outside, it doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving on the inside.
There is no set timeframe for grieving.
People often assume that there is a certain amount of time that should elapse before a person “gets over” their grief. But the truth is, grief doesn’t work like that. Some days will be better than others, but the pain of losing a loved one will never completely go away.
Respecting a person’s wishes during their time of grief is crucial.
Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Don’t assume that you know what someone needs during their time of mourning. The best thing you can do is simply ask them what they need and then respect their wishes.
Grief is a difficult emotion to understand until you’ve experienced it yourself. If you know someone who is grieving, try to be understanding and patient while they navigate this tough time in their life. And most importantly, don’t hesitate to reach out if you need help dealing with your own grief.
Finding out who your friends are
Be prepared that real friends will stay, acquaintances will disappear. It’s ok. Spend your time in the Bible reading God’s promises to comfort you. You don’t need anyone but Him and the few real friends.
Here are a just a couple of my many favorite passages that I lean on and wanted to share with you:
There are many more than this but for sake of time, I only share two.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you.
2 Corinthians 7 Pauls says, now I rejoice not because you were pained, but because the pain led you to turn back to God. For you handled the pain in God’s way, so that you were not harmed by us at all. Pain handled in God’s way produces a turning from sin to God which leads to salvation, and there is nothing to regret in that! But pain handled in the world’s way produces only death. For just look at what handling the pain God’s way produced in you! What earnest diligence, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what readiness to put things right! In everything you have proved yourselves blameless in the matter. God’s word is full of comfort, hope and peace. I encourage you to read it from Genesis to Revelation. Read the whole story and see just how much God loves you!
What a delightful thought! I invite you to search the Truth yourself.
Test it. (1 Thessalonians 5:21)
Please go to your Bible and study the entire story. See firsthand what His word says and what He wants to show you. I always check several versions to allow the Spirit to show me the difference and truth. I recommend you do the same.
Enjoy pondering that thought today!
God bless you