Widowed and all alone. Now what?

What does God say? Let’s see…

Before we get into scripture, I want to share a story. I know a widow of over 10 years that is in her 70s. She has always told people that she would not remarry because she is married to God. There was a particular man that made fun of her because he wanted to date her and thought it was a line to get him to leave her alone. It wasn’t. I didn’t understand her statement at the time but respected her decision because who am I to judge her relationship with God? It wasn’t until I became a widow that I suddenly understood. I immediately felt the same way; I found that I wanted to be alone with God. To be closer to God, put all my focus on Him.

Where do we find comfort in loss?

Loss is a part of life, whether it be through death or people walking out of our lives. Where are we to go to find comfort to navigate through these losses? Some go to therapy, friends, family, pastors, alcohol, drugs, yoga and meditation, and the list goes on, for what the world offers people to cope. All of the resources that the world offers are only a temporary fix to your problems. The “grieving industry” has become a huge money maker because what they offer does not heal your pain thereby causing you to continue to seek help from worldly options. Put you Hope in God alone.

“On that day they will say, “See! This is our God! We waited for him to save us. This is Adonai ; we put our hope in him. We are full of joy, so glad he saved us!” Isaiah 25:9

“Sing, heaven! Rejoice, earth! Break out in song, you mountains! For Adonai is comforting his people, having mercy on his own who have suffered.” Isaiah 49:13

There is only one source for true comfort, and healing that gives eternal peace; our Heavenly Father, Adonai our God. That’s where we should be putting our hope, not in man-made worldly offerings. God is the one who comforts us in our losses. He wants us to draw near to Him and stay there, not just when times are tough. He wants us to sing His praises when times are good, but also throughout the bad times. Trust me, it’s possible. When I became a widow, I immediately chose to collapse into His arms and allow Him to comfort me. I trusted God would do what His Word says He will do. I tested His process with complete faith that I could trust Him to care for me and He has done that in such a tender loving way, that it’s hard to describe.

He is near to the broken hearted; He is with us. It’s in the painful moments that it is the easiest to feel His presence. Relax into His arms; don’t resist His love.

“For thus says the High, Exalted One who lives forever, whose name is Holy: “I live in the high and holy place but also with the broken and humble, in order to revive the spirit of the humble and revive the hearts of the broken ones.” Isaiah 57:15

Why would He say that and do it if He didn’t love us? Resist believing the lies that you are unworthy of His love and comfort. No matter your past, He still loves you and is calling out to you to return to Him.

“I have seen their ways, and I will heal them; I will lead them and give comfort to them and to those who mourn for them—I will create the right words: ‘Shalom shalom to those far off and to those nearby!’ says Adonai; ‘I will heal them!’ ” Isaiah 57:18-19

For five years, I had been the caregiver for my beloved sick husband, and I was completely exhausted when he passed away. During the sickness and care season I had choices; try to fight the battle in my strength and find worldly ways to cope, or I could put all my hope and trust in God to get me through each day with a positive attitude. I chose to cling to God and His promises during that time just to survive.  This scripture passage was my main promise I clung to during the caregiving days that got me through:

”But now this is what Adonai says, he who created you, Ya`akov, [Jacob] he who formed you, Isra’el: “Don’t be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I am calling you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through water, I will be with you; when you pass through rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you will not be scorched—the flame will not burn you. For I am Adonai, your God, the Holy One of Isra’el, your Savior—I have given Egypt as your ransom, Ethiopia and S’va for you. Because I regard you as valued and honored, and because I love you. For you I will give people, nations in exchange for your life. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
I will bring your descendants from the east, and I will gather you from the west” Isaiah 43:1-5

He is with us! His Word says He will not let me drown, He will not let me be consumed, He loves me! It was because of those promises alone that I kept treading water and clinging to Jesus and survived that storm. I repeated those promises over and over. Every time I was struggling, I repeated those scriptures to myself, to God, and to the enemy who was trying to take me down. Like Peter when he stepped out of the boat to walk across the water to Jesus, Jesus called me to come out of my “boat” and come to Him and He would care for me. He could have come to me, but He wanted to know if I would take a step of faith and come to Him. I said, yes! I stepped out in faith. I didn’t want what the world had to offer anymore. I wanted Him! In this step of faith, I couldn’t look down, and I could not look away at the storm. It took constant sheer determination not to look at my circumstances, but to keep my eyes on Him and allow Him to carry me over the “fifty foot waves” in my storm. Overtime, I reached the level of trust in Him that I was able to “sleep” through the storm like He did on the boat with the disciples in another story He shared. I had His perfect peace in me, His Shalom Peace.

I’m not a perfect Christian, I am broken and scarred like everyone else. It’s through my trust in Him during the biggest storm of my life that I have learned to stay with Him after the storm is over. Then when the next one comes, I’m already with Him, clinging to His hand so that I don’t have to fear or be scared; He’s got me. It’s through this trust in Him, that I can breath through my grief and loss.

There is nothing this world offers that can compare with what Jesus offers us. The question is: who or what are you going to turn to in your storm? Who are you turning to in your loss and grief?

Like most people, I tried many worldly options first only to find myself spiraling into a deeper hole and it was affecting my health. I had to willingly and wholeheartedly choose to ask Jesus to help me and be what I needed. It was that decision that changed my life forever. Through that caregiving battle and the subsequent loss of my beloved, I have willingly and wholeheartedly become a humble, obedient child of God. I still make mistakes, but He is with me and helps me back up when I trip and fall. I repent, and He forgives and continues to teach me.

Will Jesus prevent the pain if I trust Him?

Having a relationship with Jesus does NOT mean life will be easy. Jesus clearly told us in His Word to expect tough times, pain, and persecution but to take heart, that He has overcome all of that for us by dying on the cross for our sins. (John 16:33) When we are in relationship with Him every day all day, when the tough times come, it becomes a natural reaction to give those moments to Him as well, and let Him carry you through them. Think of it from the perspective of childlike eyes. When a child is scared they jump up into your arms for protection, right? When you get scared or hurting, jump up into His protective arms and let Him comfort you as He carries you through and protects you.

Death and loss are very painful but with the comfort of the Holy Spirit, the pain is bearable. With the help of the Holy Spirit, you can experience His indescribable peace and joy while you are grieving. (John 15:26) It sounds crazy, I know. Trust me! I’ve tested His promises. Don’t take my word for it, willingly choose to turn to Him and trust that He will care for you and see what happens for you; He will meet you there. In Ephesians 3, God describes the depth of His love for us. I know firsthand how difficult it is to believe that anyone can love us that much, but it’s true! Once you give Him a chance to show you, you will never be the same!

It’s this revelation of His love for you that will make you crave more from Him. He created us to crave a love that only He can give. Once you open your heart to a relationship with Him and start receiving that true love, you don’t want it to stop. You discover His deep love for you only through a relationship with Him, through studying His Word, the Holy Bible, from cover to cover, Genesis to Revelation. That’s where He will teach you all things.

In this new deeper level of relationship with Him is where you will discover whether you need another spouse, or if you want to spend all our time now with your Heavenly Father that is filling you full of His indescribable love.

To marry or not to marry?

The death of a spouse is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through. In addition to the grief and sadness that comes with losing a loved one, widows also have to contend with difficult decisions, such as whether or not to remarry. While there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, there are a few things to consider that may help you make your decision.

There are those who will remarry after widowhood and that is fine, if God is leading you to do that. It’s also perfectly fine for you to stay single and focus on your Heavenly Father and what He has next for you. He is a jealous God and wants your full attention. Maybe now, He wants you to focus on Him and not finding another spouse. Ask Him.

The Apostle Paul, in the Second Testament, give you the pros and cons of marriage. One thing he points out is that God wants to be number one in your life, period! If you can keep God number one in your life while having a spouse, then go for it. He points out that it’s much easier to keep God first when He is your only focus.

If you are still unsure what He wants for you, study His promises.

“Adonai says, I will betroth you to me forever; yes, I will betroth you to me in righteousness, in justice, in grace and in compassion; I will betroth you to me in faithfulness, and you will know Adonai.” Hosea 2

“Paul says, Now to the single people and the widows I say that it is fine if they remain unmarried like me. Likewise the woman who is no longer married or the girl who has never been married concerns herself with the Lord’s affairs, with how to be holy both physically and spiritually. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives, but if the husband dies she is free to marry anyone she wishes, provided he is a believer in the Lord. However, in my opinion, Paul says, she will be happier if she remains unmarried, and in saying this I think I have God’s Spirit.” 1 Corinthians 7

“She had remained a widow ever since; now she was eighty-four. She never left the Temple grounds but worshipped there night and day, fasting and praying.” Luke 2

“Now the widow who is really in need, the one who has been left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in petitions and prayers night and day.” 1 Titus 5

”For I am jealous for you with God’s kind of jealousy; since I promised to present you as a pure virgin in marriage to your one husband, the Messiah.” 2 Corinthians 11

“For your husband is your Maker, Adonai-Tzva’ot is his name. The Holy One of Isra’el is your Redeemer. He will be called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:5 

In Ephesians 5:22-33, we see further guidance on what God intends for marriage. This passage speaks about how husbands and wives should love and respect each other and mentions how marriage is a picture of Jesus’ love for His church. Nowhere in this passage does it mention anything about widowhood or remarriage, but it does provide a framework for what God intends marriage to be – a loving, respectful relationship.

Remarriage is a situation you must pray about. Seek Him first, and He will tell you what He wants for you; what is best for you. For some women, you may want to get remarried for a number of reasons and that is perfectly fine. Trust the Father to guide you, He knows what is best for you. What we think we need may not look like what He knows we need.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways,” says Adonai. “As high as the sky is above the earth are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. For just as rain and snow fall from the sky and do not return there, but water the earth, causing it to bud and produce, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so is my word that goes out from my mouth—it will not return to me unfulfilled; but it will accomplish what I intend, and cause to succeed what I sent it to do.” Isaiah 55:8-11

For me, I spent 15 years in a verbally abusive marriage in my young life. Married for the wrong reasons and in spite of a million red flags not to, I married him anyway at 19. I was way to young. God rescued and lead me out of that marriage when His timing was right for me to leave. Then out of nowhere God in His abundant mercy plopped my dream man, my soulmate, right in the middle of my life when I wasn’t looking. He truly was my soulmate and best friend that I was blessed to be with for almost 25 years until the Father took him home for eternity.

Reflecting on my life, I’ve had the worst, and I’ve had the best. Why would I settle for less just to be with someone again? For me, I’ve experienced pain, I’ve experienced great joy and love, and now more grief and loss. While resting in His arms while I grieved the loss of my beloved, I discovered that Jesus is all I need now. I choose to spend the rest of my life getting to know Adonai on a deeper level and become what He created me to be. To serve Him and spread the Good News.

What do I say when people question my faith and singleness?

With His promises now in your arsenal, when anyone says you need to get re-married, you can tell them Paul says you don’t have too. What a relief! Joking, of course. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Since becoming a widow, I have discovered that people don’t know what to say, so they will say just about anything. It has been a test and growth opportunity to learn how to give them grace, and love them anyway. For some reason, they want to fill the silence with advice you didn’t ask for. Everyone seems to think you need to re-marry; that being “alone” is horribly depressing. When you have a deep one-on-one relationship with your Heavenly Father, there is no way to describe the level of joy and happiness that comes from being alone with Him. Save yourself the trouble of trying to explain your relationship with Adonai, and just smile and nod. Then pray that they will experience a deeper level of God’s love too.

It’s important to understand that you don’t have to explain yourself to others. The only one you answer to is God. If He tells you to remarry, follow His lead and He will connect you with the person He has for you. In that process, always, always, always, keep Him first and ask Him what to do. He will tell you, I promise. He will give you very obvious signs to continue ahead, or turn and run. He will protect you in the process if you allow Him too. It’s when we decide that we know what’s best for us and want to do things our way instead of waiting on Him, that things don’t work out well.

If you find that this is your season to “be still and know” (Psalms 46:10) and just be with Him and let Him teach you things and use you for the purpose He created you, don’t allow anyone to try to make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about that decision. God says who you are and He knows what is best for you. If you need to remove toxic people from your life that are not aligning with God’s plan for you, ask Him to help you in that area. He will do it because He wants them out of your life also.

In summary

The decision of remarriage is between you and God alone. It would be in your best interest to seek advice only from your Heavenly Father who created you because He knows you, He sees the bigger picture for you, and He has your best interest at heart. This is a matter between the two of you. Everyone has an opinion, and everyone will be happy to tell you what to do with your life. Think about that for a minute. Ask yourself why you would take advice from others who also are battling their own issues and struggling to make the right decisions for their life. It’s easier to tell others what to do than to deal with their own problems. Break that cycle of listening to others opinions and learn to trust the Father only.

I invite you to search the Truth yourself.

Test it. (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

Please go to your Bible and study the entire story. See firsthand what His word says and what He wants to show you. I always check several versions to allow the Spirit to show me the difference and truth. I recommend you do the same.

Enjoy pondering these thoughts today!

God bless you