“Shame on you!”

 

Where does shame come from?

 

As adults, in this generation, 2023, if we had a dime for every time we were disciplined, or criticized, either by parents, pastors, other people, bosses, media, etc., with the phrase, “shame on you,” we would all be very wealthy today. Even more so, we would be wealthy by the amount of times we have said that over ourselves for making a mistake. That’s where the phrase, “you are your own worst enemy” is used often; beating yourself up with shame when you make a mistake. Right?

The “shame on you“ phrase seems to be the habitual go-to phrase for putting people in their place during correction. When these words are spoken over someone long enough, a person will begin to believe they can’t do anything right, and will begin carrying the shame as if it is an overcoat that they can’t take off. Shame, coupled with guilt, has the ability to shape all your decisions for the rest of you life if the lie isn’t broken off of you.

It wouldn’t be fair to put blame on the person or persons who over-use this phrase. Why? Well, who taught them to say it? And who taught them? You could probably go back to the beginning of time with this process. Truth be told, if that’s how you were brought up, how many times have you said it? Unless the cycle is intentionally broken, this bad habit gets passed down from generation to generation. It is counter-productive to find places to put blame for your pain. The only way to break the cycle and find healing is to turn to God and give the pain to Him.

Consider making today the day; the day that your give this heavy “overcoat of shame” to God. He wants to show you truth so that He can break off this lie over you, and help you finally find freedom in this area.

 

What were you taught about shame?

According to the online dictionary, shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”

Everyone makes mistakes, we’re human, right? Some parents choose to use the phrase in an attempt to correct behavior, not realizing that their intent could have the opposite effect and cause lasting behavior problems. Pastors have always used this tactic to “scare you straight” so to speak, so that you will do what they tell you that you need to do to serve God correctly and get to Heaven. It’s a very “Christian” way of thinking where a pastor uses it to control his congregation; tithing money would be one of many great examples.

There are bosses that use this phrase, as well as, “friends,” and it’s also seen in the media as an effort to manipulate thinking and behavior.

At what point does one turn to God to find the truth? When does a person decide to see what God’s Word says? Why do people choose to stay in their pain and ignore God’s outstretched hand He is offering to help them out of their pain? It’s in the Bible that we learn all truth, if we study our “Daily Bread.” First, you have to decide if you believe that God breathed the Bible, you must trust His Word to be Truth. Then you must choose to learn that God uses it to teach you how to apply to your life today so you can learn the truth from His Word; the only place you will find Truth.

We’ve been taught that God does good and Satan does bad; anything bad is from him and anything good is from God. The truth of the matter, God can also cause a bad situation to happen so that good can come from it. His Word says that He uses all things for good according to His purpose for those that love Him. The enemy gets a lot of credit for things that God actually does. His Word says He tests our faith, He stretches it. All things God does is out of His love for us. Even when He is furious, it’s because He loves us. If He didn’t love us, He wouldn’t care.

 

What is shame?

Shame is the result of our actions, a consequence, not just a random “ shame on you” for no good reason. As humans, thankfully God did not put us in the position to judge others and put shame on them. The sad truth, many people believe that they are supposed to judge others actions. It’s a slippery slope we tread on when we start playing judge.

• Number one, judging others shows pride and arrogance which are not pleasing to God.
• Number two, one who judges is basically telling God that He isn’t doing His job, which is another slippery slope.
• Number three, everyone sins, so who can rightfully judge others?

According to John 7:24, Jesus says not to judge by appearances but to judge the “right” way. What’s the right way? When unsure, don’t judge. Better still, just don’t judge and you don’t have to worry about angering God.

In Romans 2:1, scripture says, “Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, passing judgment; for when you judge someone else, you are passing judgment against yourself; since you who are judging do the same things he does.“

That’s pretty clear, don’t judge.

In Matthew 7:1-6, Jesus is teaching about why we are not to judge others, and tells an effective visual parable about pulling a splinter out of someone’s eye while you have a log in your eye. Again, telling us to leave the “judging” to Him.

Along with that visual, He adds that if you have been healed in an area of sin someone is experiencing; help them. These would be cases when someone is going through something you have been through and you have found forgiveness and healing through Jesus. At that point, God may lead you to help them find forgiveness and healing. Notice that in this case you are not judging their mistake because you yourself made the same mistake and God saved you. Now you are helping this person find forgiveness with God like you have.

There is freedom and peace in not putting shame on others

Shame is an immediate reactive feeling when there is guilt associated with doing something wrong. To prevent spiraling into the pit of shame and getting stuck there, immediately repent and ask for forgiveness from God, and from any anyone that may be associated with your mistake. This action will place you on a path of healing and peace.

Note: You are not responsible for others accepting your apology, you are only responsible for apologizing. Your obedience to God pleases Him, and He is watching.

 

Where does shame come from God or satan?

It takes a deep relationship with God and the gift of discernment to know when it is God allowing us to feel shame or when the enemy is burying us in a puddle of guilt and shame to keep us far from God. If the enemy is successful in his attempts, he will cover you up in shame and guilt so that you will believe the lie that God doesn’t love you, nor would He ever forgive your sins.

Shame falls on us when we break faith with God and sin. According to scripture it is out of God’s love for us that He uses shame to help us remember our sins so that we won’t do them again. He forgives our sins when we repent, but He allows us to remember our sins and feel the shame of ever doing them, so we will NOT do them again. That is love, NOT manipulation.

(See Ezekiel 16:60-63, 20:43, 36:31-32)

I’m reminded that the enemy counterfeits everything God does; the Mark, light, love, etc. What does this look like today with shame comparison?

For believers:

Those moments when something triggers a sin from our past that has been forgiven and God uses shame to remind us to keep us humble and so we won’t do it again.

You thank God, as you remember, for forgiving you of your sins.

For non-believers:

The counterfeit version of God’s use of shame is for the enemy to keep you in shame of your sins so that you will not forget your sins and you will believe that God could not forgive your sins. Then seeking other ways to get relief from your shame since you believe the lies that God won’t forgive your sins.

NOT true!

God says He will forgive if you repent and turn back to Him. He says He will remember the covenant if you repent. (Ezekiel 16:60)

Due to our upbringing and society mind manipulation, it is difficult not to feel shame. However, when you have a close relationship with the Father He will teach you to immediately turn to Him in these moments so that He can help you correct the behavior to not repeat the sin. This great care from the Father for His imperfect children protects us from letting the shame consume us.

The feeling of shame can come with it, deep embarrassment at your mistake. It’s hard to admit that you did what you did, so you “hide it” from everyone, and some even believe they are hiding it and themselves from God. We can’t hide from God, He sees all. He does not condemn us in our shame, He wants us to repent and turn back to Him and not do it again.

God is a loving Heavenly Father than created you to crave a love that only He can fill. Through that indescribable love, He disciplines His children. Satan is always trying to manipulate, so it’s not as easily seen as we’ve been taught. It takes discernment to know the difference between if it’s a God-lesson, or an enemy attack. Pray. God will tell you.

 

What does God’s love look like?

We don’t have time today to list all the ways God’s love is portrayed in our lives. Actually the list is endless, continually growing. You could make a list of what it looks like in your life though. He shows His love to you all day every day; are you looking for it?

Rather than a list of ways God loves us, how about I share a suggestion as it applies to our mistakes and the use of shame to help us remember our mistakes so we don’t make them again? Consider showing God’s love to yourself and to others through a new habit, if, you are ready to break the old habit of “shame on you” off of you.

If you are a mom, consider this approach to discipline for your child who has made a mistake. First, take a breath before speaking so that you don’t blurt out the old phrase you are going to stop using. Pray for God to give you the words and to help you show His love through this discipline moment. Instead of saying, “shame on your for doing that, you know better”, consider saying something like, “you know better than that, it is not ok that you just did that.” The child will automatically feel shame for their actions, but you will have avoided damaging their spirit. Then you hold the child accountable by however you discipline, time out, etc. One says, “you’re a failure.” and the other says, “you need to do better.”

In truth, you would like to be treated this way as well. While you can’t control others, you can take comfort in knowing that God disciplines this way. Allow Him to remind you of your sins that have been forgiven so that you won’t repeat them, and give that grace to others. God does not want us to live in shame, but in His indescribable peace, hope, and joy.

Freedom from shame and shaming others, is a wonderful feeling.

May Adonai bless you as you trust Him to heal you in this area.

Share this story with others who may be suffering from any kind of verbal abuse. There is healing for all who turn to God.