Hope for the people-pleasers!
Did God make you a people-pleaser?
What is a people-pleaser?
Is being a people-pleaser a good thing?
Aren’t all people focused on pleasing others?
All good questions, let’s break it down.
There is a big difference between being a people-pleaser and being someone kind and giving who is wanting to do nice things for others. Kindness and goodness are gifts from God’s fruits of the Spirit that He lists in Galatians for us to mirror.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, self control. Nothing in the Torah stands against such things. (Galatians 5:22-23 CJB)
What is a people-pleaser?
Anyone who is truly a people-pleaser, is someone who is caught in the trap and may go on for years not realizing that’s what they have become. It’s not like anyone sets a goal to be a people-pleaser, it’s a trap they fall into as a result from circumstances in their life. One example of how this happens: someone who has been abandoned and feels rejected, will unknowingly fall into this trap out of desperation to be liked, wanted, and not abandoned by anyone else. It becomes an obsession to find ways to be accepted and wanted.
A people-pleaser is unable to possess all of the Spiritual fruits in their intended form because they are operating out of their pain of abandonment and can’t see clearly through the pain. As they try to mirror the fruits of the Spirit, they come up short because they are not focused on God as they work to attain them, rather they are focused on doing those things to be accepted by others. They aren’t able to understand the true meaning of what God is saying in the above verse. Most think they understand the verse’s meaning, but they have a distorted view. When someone is suffering from the problem of operating as a people-pleaser, it is easy for them to slip deeper into the trap because they can’t see God’s full truth. In fact, they question if anyone can be trusted with their heart.
Why does God allow this to happen to His children?
Fact is, we live in a broken and fallen world and bad things happen. God has promised in His Word that there will be pain and trouble but to take heart that He is working a plan that we can’t see and He will come back and get His followers at the appointed time. He also promised He would be with us always. You have choices to believe His Word, or not.
God loves you. He is always with you. (Matthew 28:20) He doesn’t turn away, you do. You mean well, but if you are being honest with yourself, you believe that God doesn’t move fast enough to suit you. When He doesn’t answer your prayers quickly enough, you turn away and try to fix things yourself and control your situations. It’s an exhausting cycle you create for yourself that God never intended for you. He wants to be the one to care for you. He is waiting for you to give Him your life and let Him take the burden off of you. When you do, His indescribable peace will wash over you.
Note: When suggesting you turn your life over to God, that applies to everyone, whether you are in church or not. There are countless believers in God that are stuck in this trap. They love God but they are obsessed with being accepted by humans, so God takes a backseat to this laser-focused mission. Christian people-pleasers look very happy on the outside; it’s a mask. They are hiding their pain.
How does one become a people-pleaser?
Did you know that it only takes one act of abandonment to scar a person and cause them to erroneously believe that all people they care about will leave them? It is also a huge misconception that people in this condition feel they are not only rejected by people, they believe that God has rejected them also. Those ones who are believers in God can quickly become more focused on what people think than what God is trying to show them. In their attempt to be accepted and loved by humans they can actually turn away from God’s love that is always there. They don’t do it intentionally, it’s happens without them realizing it because they are starving for physical connections, and God can’t be physically seen. In their pain, they are seeking human approval; someone they can see and touch; a person to love them and never leave.
It’s so easy for the enemy to manipulate people in this situation because they are so vulnerable. In the depths of despair, while they may go to church and serve and have a smile on their face, they are suffering internally and no one knows. It is their secret pain. When they try to describe their pain to someone they think they can trust, it’s misinterpreted and comes across as pathetic. The very person they thought they could trust turns on them thinking their confiding in them was a desperate attempt for a close friendship. It’s impossible for others to truly understand unless they have been through the same thing and have already found healing.
Contrary to what this person believes, they are not alone. In fact they are chosen, holy, and dearly loved, wonderfully and fearfully made by God. He has not abandoned them. Most of God’s children don’t realize how fortunate they are to have a loving Heavenly Father that showers them with His grace and mercy. He knows what has happened to them. He knows their pain. He doesn’t blame them for turning away from Him. He loves them, protects them, and patiently waits for them to come to that moment of a crisis of belief when they finally realize they left Him way back when and tried to fight the battle alone. When you turn back to Him, He is waiting with arms wide open for you to come running to Him.
How do you avoid becoming a people-pleaser?
It doesn’t matter what kind of home this person was brought up in, whether they had everything or nothing, it can still creep in while they aren’t looking. Will it happen to everyone who is abandoned? It depends on circumstances and your relationship with God.
Since this condition is born from abandonment and rejection, there is an opportunity for most to be affected. Abandonment does not discriminate; it affects everyone at some point in their life. Turning into a people-pleaser from the abandonment will depend on a number of factors; your age, your personality type, your confidence level when it happens, and the level of relationship and faith one has with God. If there is not a relationship with God, one is literally fighting the battle alone; human strength will only last so long.
If it happens to a child, it can be much harder to prevent falling into the trap because there is no education or experience to know how to prevent it from happening. As a result, they quickly slip into survival mode. With the lack of knowledge they don’t even know how to talk to anyone about what they are feeling. They will instantly think it was their fault, believing the lies in their mind that if only they had been a better child, this would never have happened. This condition can shape their life and relationships for many years before they reach the point where they can find healing through God.
Again, these children are not abandoned by God, but by people; He never leaves them. While there is still pain for them in this broken fallen world, God is with them, even when there is a fatal outcome. Prayerfully consider that when there is a fatal outcome, that result is God protecting them by taking them out of this world and home to Heaven with Him.
How do you break the cycle of being a people-pleaser?
While it’s still a process to get through the pain, there is hope for healing. Some never get to the other side to find truth, but those who forge through determined to find God’s peace, can experience complete healing and freedom.
It’s not a disease but certainly an addiction. It is rooted in low self-esteem, and low, or lack of, self-confidence. It can be debilitating and has the ability to truly ruin a person’s life if it’s not recognized, addressed, and corrected.
When these ones reach a breaking point, or develop a hunger for more out of life, that’s when they usually turn to God and ask for help. If you, or someone you know is suffering from this condition, there is hope and healing. This is not the end of your story.
Why did God create you?
To please others and be liked? Or were you created to please your Heavenly Father who created and breathed life into you? Let’s see what the scripture says.
The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. (Ecclesiastes 12:13)
Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made. (Isaiah 43:7)
The people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise. (Isaiah 43:21)
For we are his workmanship, created in Yeshua our Messiah for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)
Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created. (Revelation 4:11)
For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities— all things were created through him and for him. (Colossians 1:16)
Who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. (Titus 2:14)
Only fear Adonai, and serve him faithfully with all your heart; for think what great things he has done for you! (1 Samuel 12:24 CJB)
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God’s Holy Word clarifies why you were created and who you were created to please. The only way to know the truth about why you were created is to study God’s Word from beginning to end, cover to cover, Genesis to Revelation. Without having the “back-story” in the First Testament, you can’t understand truly what God is trying to teach you in the Second Testament. Without this knowledge of God’s whole truth, it’s easy to get stuck in the pit of lies that this world offers as it’s version of truth. The absence of God’s whole truth allows confusion to creep in and suddenly everything you see is distorted from it’s original intent for you.
Obtaining healing in the area of being a people-pleaser is absolutely attainable. No one has to tell you how miserable you are in this state-of-mind. You know better than anyone how lonely and miserable you are, and how exhausted you have become because your efforts to please everyone and be everything to everybody has failed, no matter how hard you have tried. People around you may tease that you are a people-pleaser, but they truly have no idea the pain you are living with. Consider giving them grace as you choose to no longer live in this trap, and turn to God for help.
You have never been alone in this pain and battle in your life. You felt like you were alone and unloved, but that’s simply not true.
If this trap describes your life, make the decision today to break the cycle and turn to God for healing.
Let’s break down the difference between people-pleasers and God-pleasers to get a better idea of what the differences are. If you see yourself in the description of the people-pleaser, don’t be discouraged; there is a clear path to get on track with God and find complete healing.
People-pleaser
The enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy by looking for human weaknesses. The enemy will exploit weaknesses, such as feeling loved, accepted, and wanted. There are many types of addictions. Some people have addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, smoking, eating, and many others; people-pleasing is also on the list.
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. (John 10:10)
Did you see our Heavenly Father’s purpose in that scripture? “To give us a rich and satisfying life.” How sad that we focus on the enemy’s lies and not the Father’s promises!
So what is a people-pleaser? Someone or something that pleases, or wants to please people. Maybe you wonder, what is the big deal? Well, it’s one of the enemy’s favorite tools to control people through the spirit of rejection. Unless you are a people-pleaser or have been healed from being one, you have no idea how debilitating it can be.
The spirit of rejection is real; it manifests as fear of man. The enemy uses it to control people. People-pleasers strive to be accepted and don’t handle rejection well; in fact, it can shut them down. The enemy seeks to paralyze at every point. One must recognize the lie and resist falling into the trap of people-pleasing.
Once the enemy realizes this is your weakness, he will use it to render you ineffective for your calling. That’s been his plan all along; to get you away from God and away from your destiny that God created you for as long as he can, as long as you allow him to. In reality, people-pleasers are working against the Holy Spirit when trying to control others’ feelings as they are attempting to make others happy or “make” them like you. People-pleasers jump through hoops, so to speak, to fit in and be included.
if someone doesn’t like you, Jesus says to walk away and shake it off. If they don’t accept you, let it go and move on (Luke 10:8–11).
A people-pleaser is one of the friendliest and most helpful people you know. They never say no. They spend a great deal of time doing things for other people. You can always count on them for a favor.
People-pleasers think they have to
1. agree with everyone,
2. not voice their opinions,
3. give up their own beliefs to fit in,
4. feel they have to do more, always volunteer or say yes when asked,
5. apologize for everything,
6. pretend to be like those with whom they want to fit in.
If someone doesn’t like them, they think they failed. Believing things would have been different if they had done this or that. Then they beat themselves up verbally for not doing things differently to fit in.
It’s okay to encourage and help others,
but once you feel responsible for their happiness,
you are people-pleasing.
It’s not humanly possible to make people truly happy; only Adonai can do that if they turn to Him. We are responsible for obeying Him. We are NOT responsible for the outcome of what He tells us to do.
Dangers of people-pleasing
1. You will miss God’s plan for your life, focusing on others rather than Him.
2. It prevents your faith from growing.
3. You won’t change or take risks because of others.
4. It becomes a gateway to lead to other sins.
5. It causes hypocrisy—mask being yourself.
6. It silences your life message.
How to break free from the people-pleaser trap?
1. If people won’t allow God to please them, why do you think you can please them?
2. Listen to who God says you are, not what others say.
3. Stay in the Bible and read God’s truth about you.
4. We don’t need anyone’s approval or acceptance to be happy.
5. What seems important to someone else now – is only temporary.
6. We are to please only one: Jesus.
7. We have to give an account for our life to God one day, others opinions certainly won’t matter then.
8. God shaped us to be only who He created us to be and no one else.
9. Be You!
It is only possible to find healing if you are seeking a relationship with Jesus
and asking Him for healing and believing for it.
God Pleaser
So what is a God pleaser? Someone who focuses on God’s Word and what it says about them. They follow His commands and believe His truths. They put all their hope in Him, and live to serve Him.
Oh, that they would always have hearts like this, that they might fear me and obey all my commands! If they did, they and their descendants would prosper forever. (Deuteronomy 5:29)
Where to begin: Study the Bible. Begin in Genesis through Revelation. You will find God’s commands in the First Testament in the first five books, also known as the Torah, (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy,) our Instruction Book for Life. Discover the truths in the Torah that are for all God’s people. These books alone have the power to transform your life, but you will find that after studying them your heart will be set on fire to know the whole story, all the way through to Revelation.
Freedom to be a God pleaser!
Once you are healed of this condition, be aware that the enemy will try to tempt you to trip up and fall back in. Staying in God’s Word is your protection. It’s through your daily time with Him in His Word that you are reminded who you are created to please. Remember, Jesus called it “daily bread” not “whenever bread.” Get your “manna” daily in your one-on-one time with Him. By clinging to God and His truths in His Word for you, the enemy won’t be able to sneak his lies in. You will recognize them right away and rebuke them as your stand on the promises of your Heavenly Father.
As God heals you of this condition, you will cease to care what others think of you and you will no longer care if they accept you or want to be your friend. That is because all your hope is in God once you allow Him to heal you. When your hope is in Him, nothing else matters to you. Others opinions will no longer have control of over you.
It’s an amazing feeling and such freedom to no longer care about pleasing others. Once you are healed, you can operate freely in the Fruits of the Spirit helping others find healing through God’s love and their relationship with Him.
May God bless you and keep you as you turn to Him for your healing so that you will finally experience His Shalom peace and then be able to share it with others.
(Blog written by a former people-pleaser whom God completely healed at the age of 53 after battling this condition for over 45 years. She shares her personal experience along with wisdom and knowledge on the subject; now sharing to help others find healing)